Procrastination

Who ever thought midterms would just be so... unappealing?
At SLU Madrid, I guess taking upper level classes allowed me to dodge the "midterm" nusance, even a comprehensive final or 2 and so forth... to those teachers, thank you!
It's just that I am the kinda person who will offer: let me tell you what is meaningful to me, what I really took away from (yr) the class-

Yea, currently I have a philosophy/ethics midterm and in the last ethics class i was in, well, it did not fare too well- hence, the catalyst (one of three) which led me to drop the course from my schedule a year ago. So, now, it returns. Even though the essay based test will cover Nietzsche and Ruth Benedict, Hobbes and Rouseau, even my cafe con leche brain (plus raisins and soy crackers) is still, just not feeling it...

Today was beautiful, for a Monday in februrary. I'm going to miss this kind of, take off your layers or start sweating, spring.

You know, my dad was in Madrid for 2 days this weekend, it was fantastic. He listened to me ramble on and we philosophized and caught up and just it was teriffic. His motto was- lets do what you usually do around Madrid. So, it was a big walking-exploring weekend, caught alot of great sights in Plaza Mayor (in Sol) but definitely chilled and enjoyed the weekend. I forgot to mention below in previous blog about Dad Weekend, that Lucas (from a neighborhood restaurant/bar) gave Dad and I FREE Blue Shots! Yes- my dad and I drank these blue shots. It was fun. Thanks Lucas. And, of course, Dad. I love you Padre!

I also wanted to saythat I'm aware of how selfish-self absorbed I'm evolving into. In terms of what I can chose/control/decide... i feel freedom but sometimes not, from my conscience. Before you get all imaginative about what things I'm doing- I think it is just that, I'm here in Madrid- trying to live, have meaning, be present, do the school thing (A on history midterm- hope this trend continues)... sitting here, I want to provide you with a concrete something- but, know that I feel selfish-self absorbed

Gratitude/appreciation, patience, kindness, care of/for the beggars/poor on the streets, the handicapped, the apparent desperate woman on the metro pleading 'ayudame porfavor' ...
you know its like, i will do an action, or think something and then later- i'll remember or be reminded and think, did I really do/not do that? Did I really not look at that person and or not give them money or sit with them or ...

Some of you have asked, if I am OK, ...from reading my blogs. And, that question is not new. In fact, from my poetry and word-expressions, people often thought it was (and therefore I was) dark, or some maudlin, or depressed or dreary-dismal person. I want to say a couple of things.
One, yea, I'm well. Two, I think its important to be honest (my poetry has definitly incorporated alot of injustice-oppression). Three, I dont esteem lying to cover up weakness, pain, sorrow, anger, frustration. ...So, in terms of me- yea, thank you for reading, thank you caring. Just because I'm a bloggerin Madrid doesn't mean things are happy-go-lucky. I would not want them to be.
I was recently informed by my roommate that I am "very sensitive. too sensitive" and yea, I took that kinda deep, but after a dear friend invited perspective back for me to imbibe I mean here's the thing:

I am a collection of experiences, people, memories, biology, values, anything, everything, and nothing-
I am learning, falling, following, piecing things together... poco a poco
Sometimes home here is hard, sometimes loving is hard, I forgot what I am capable of, I have to remind myself to open the windows and let perspective blow in and let the day's air refresh these lungs

I haven't been writing like normal, and that effects my disposition. I'm also on a prescription for my acne (YA which totally still is on my face ... guhh), and who knows how that is affecting me -

Long post, right. Well. I'll close: in summary (for the scrollers, I know yoube out derr)... I'm seeking, trying, taking things step by step. I still listen to Nina Simone and Jimi Hendrix, Davis and T. Chapman, classical guitar, Yo Yo Ma, and Bob- and sometimes I go without music to school. Whatever, I try and take opportunities to learn.
I guess now, I should take one of those opps which exists in Philosophy, and (will manifest in exam form tomorrow)...

In hope and confusion
love and laughterå
memory and candlelight
interbeing and presence

ZANMI