cold gray monday day

i cursed on the way to school and on the way back, about 10 hours later- walking, uphill, both ways for a solid 30 minutes in 6* celsius, which is pretty close to 40* fahrenheit ...the kicker is the wind

the key is: home

while each moment i could have been breathing in and reciting a gatha:
I have arrived
I am home
I breathe
I am here

no, i was not there nor was i doin that when i was walking briskly past the stores and crowds, eyes peeled on the path ahead knowing that each step in the journey was where i was at-

back to the key part: home

i have a place to come home to, where it is warm (unless Carmen is airing out the house w/ all the windows open no matter the temperature), where i laugh and feel filled with this real friendship, named for years and years: love

Emily, Mel, Caroline are three incredible women from Baylor- and you who read this must know that without them i would be sinking! not that i do not value the be-able-to-do-it-find-it on my own dealio but i mean, these are the kind of folks you write to mom and dad about and say, yea, i got some angels and i got somebody in the corner with the washcloth and neosporen and they're keepin me flyin and carin' for me, for real, and as a dear friend Katie Meyer would say... "big time"

i'm learning that: have angels, have corner folks

learn to breathe and move on, be present
this idea keeps knockin on my door, sometimes i answer and let present moment imbue my spirit
other times i say, fuck it and am just mindless-reckless

PERO, i am filled with love and hope because i've been given it-

jenn lay's blog once read: i am all that i have received, ...and i feel that now, so, perhaps a sentimental post but here it is and adjusting especially with certain life-torques can be tough, tricky, sticky...


thats all i got, with love, ZANMI

sunday desk

why am i here ?


to lighten up, to laugh until i cry- i am capaciously grateful for and enamored by my dear housemates, and the dinners that carry the four of us together and too, closer with Carmen (la madre-senora)

its freezing here temp-wise, long walks are good for the lungs, legs, heart and mind, not to mention open hungry eyes chewing-digesting-being nourished and challenged by what i take in

went to excellent jazz music this weekend- mind blowing beautiful
and the Reina Sofia National Art Museum of Spain (for free)... saw Picasso's works incld'g Guernica and Miro and Dali's works...
La Figura en la Ventana (1925, Dali) holds great significance to me because years ago, my dad brought me a ceramic coaster of this painting from a trip to Spain- when my eyes beheld the painting, i was emotionally uplifted and joyously surprised

i remember how precious love is
how intense and distant i can be
my humanness - needs, aches, breaks, hopes, fears, efforts


--

princesa to gran via rebajas puking up everywhere
and into the hands of the women who want image
their empty hands now, vestiges
with "wants" bandaged with bags in hands
dont they understand
this society-culture perpetuates and potentially deprecates
real deep vida
i mean to say to ya
that yr cigarette isnt going to save ya
and a kiss is only bliss
if its you and beauty
some-manifestation homo sapien of love
and perhaps its pressing on need
yr physical sexual greed
why do the hookers on montera blow
like weeds, so easily heed
to the wind of his money grin
is it pain, survival, loss, win
lipstick and hairpin and safety protection
boots up shins
policemen stand like tin
men, when
they are hard too
i dont eschew anyone
i suppose i coo
like a bird in the branch
about la gente y la experiencia as it avalanche
falls
and twirls and does
dance
dance
dance

i blink, to keep to think
to not be in total trance
but to take this chance
to be here
to breathe hope and fear
to love near

atmosphere bequeaths
and all the wreaths
are
dismantled

saturday... afternoon

highlights from the last couple of days:


bought art supplies for my newly added drawing class, great prof and definitely feel positive energy to be in the class, i asked the prof to call me Zanmi- which here in Madrid comes out ... "Thon-mee" (because the Z)

anoche, last night, the most incredible live jazz imbued mi amiga, Bird, y yo... and (Trucha, yes, holy moment- is what I can say)... the experience was ineffable, and yet i wanted to write while standing and let words fall capaciously as in an innate catharsis. thoughtt of my dear dad and of ryan clavelle and those friday jams in the 'Munity. really, incredible. i have this thing about me that carries me to want to see/meet/touch the person (like NIkki Giovanni, Heru, Jane Elliott) so i went up and said "shokran" which is Arabic for "thank you" and then i said gracias to the beautiful trumpet player... sigh, i recognized two things: the need for live music in my life
desire to be around a musician/musicians
(and three, this idea of RECREATION) Giovanni says: we owe it to ourselves to RECREATE ourselves

i love my housemates-roommates: Emily, Melanie and Caroline- all students at Baylor and beautiful women... we learn and laugh with eachother daily. dinners are awesome. hilarious because of Caroline's humor and sarcasm, because of everyone's spanish, and just a beautiful levity-genuine quality about them/us... last night Mel Caroline and I went to an Egyptian restaurant/bar and got drinks and Melon hookah mmmm... most likely going to buy my own argili/cachima/hookah because it will be cheaper and mobile... we'll see

i have needed to be in a Recreate mood because of the consumerism-aesthetic driven/dominating society of Madrid (i was told, fashion capitol of europe-world)... and still i have to squirm before i stand and find a comfortable place between enjoying myself and partaking of the society

my house mom/senora is great! her name is Carmen, excellent chef, salubrious dinners! (not too typical Spanish heavy)... at first she was strict/guarded but with our dinners, she is more open and i begin to feel the five of us genuinely liking, respecting, grooving with one another, i am very joy filled and grateful

and what about Spanish- well, my goal of learning 15 verbs a day and studying vocab ehh isn't exactly happening- i could make excuses but im coming to appreciate a more natural pull into spanish... granted, i need to review - for my own pride and dignity (especially when going to a cafe-restaurant for first time)... and for confidence, but all i can say is that its coming...

today i might go to Reina Sofia with my dear friend Bird... and sunday to Rastro, a huge market that i've heard is my style...
so far no casualties or atrocities or things i was apprehensive of, definitly trying to be on my own two feet, to read maps and make decisions and to practice awareness and present moment living-

i am smiling with you

pensive-reflective

cigarettes and books and work and consumerism

being is a discovery

without the things, the smoke, the pages, the distraction, the latest

while connected to all
trees, ground, oxygen, air, humans

do not forget breathing and being

sometimes these things, while they may comprise pieces of society
do not forget yourself

contain multitudes

seek true name

don't preach, enjoy the salty air of the beach
by walking


laughter, human connection, personal relationships which uplift innate values and virtues
i come to find precious, uplifting and necessary to my existence

i could walk the streets of Madrid all day and night but without a smile, a shared connection,
what am i but a lone nomad
endlessly pondering and weaving the vicissitudes, which there is some time for
but not a lifetime

sundays are for...

walking
experiencing cold air
not getting to supposedly where supposed to be
listening to an older Madrid man speak of how he doesnt believe in capitalism
meeting two jovenes and charlar en el parque de Plaza de Espana until it is too cold to sit anymore
watching families, couples, lovers, water fountains- everyone in motion and connected
looking up at never before seen architecture and history
wanting a million things and nothing too

seeking friendship, companions and also solitude, new friends, conversations
reflecting, dreaming, believing that i will only ask more questions and have less answers as life continues
valuing freedom and security, a balance of both
questioning everything, everyone (taking anthropology is a part-catalyst)
briefly thinking i am in love
recognizing my own needs, pondering the needs of others...
trying not to be general but today has been one of reflecting and abstract-swirling thoughts

seeking: to be non attached, to be present, to breathe and to consume less
to explore and be confident...

instead of opening a map i often ask the closest/most amiable looking person for directions.
learning: to listen and to listen carefully.

i smile, which i dont think is a big thing here- for me, it is a form of interbeing
my roommates (each have our own room) are sweet, and i enjoy spending time with them- we laugh alot together, which is beautiful... and together, we learn/figure out which cafes-restaurants/bars are kind to us first time visitors.

and, of course if you know me at all, you might be asking- what about the hookah? has rg smoked hookah yet? well, yes- this weekend i did w/ some amigas. watermelon and strawberry- and it was nice. im thinking about buying one here, to save money and for enjoyment.... we'll see

for now, need to read some for la escuela and review Espanol!!

toda mi amor~ zanmi rlg

VIVA LA LUCHA DEL PUEBLO PALESTINO

huge, and growing pro Palestine rally in SOL, a vibrant area of Madrid
several hundred people, chants in Spanish and Palestinian Arabic...

alot of anti-Israel
and "Bush Obama basura Americana"....
and US and Israel together
(which, can be seen as truth)

i remembered the anti US occupation of IRAQ march and protest i went to a year and half ago--
and remembered, the violence in the shouts, posters and purposes of folks around
and remembered the idea (quotes): if you want peace, work for justice and there is no way to peace, peace is the way

now, how many countless conversations have talked about the human nature: violent/non-violent war/peace
(- but even in the absence of war there is a chance there is not peace)
and there are even peace activists who believe that some force must be asserted in order to attain justice, peace

el viernes numero uno

clang chang clang chang
por faa-vorrr, por favor
clang chang clang chang
he is double leg amputee
butt sitting, his seat on the street
leather heels and euros dont greet
his eyes with a smile sun rise
it is night and
stars twinkle bright
when a hand
bends to understand
for a second
a man with limited motion
and begging, with daily devotion

blue eyes sparkling
i know you as human
in need of love and bread
as my own body heart head

------

cigarettes and tiendas
hats, scarfs, hookahs, leather, rebajas
Castillian flavor
cold air breath and
two euros here, another two there
where!!
is all the DI-NER-O
GO- ing...
zing zing ZER-O

------

never underestimate the energy of your smile
have you smiled lately
what are your needs, are you hungry
homeless, wifeless, sexless, restless
get out get yourself fresh air,
open those ojos for perspective
dont get mangled in the maudlin maze
(get outta dat daze)

wash yr face with cold water
go to bed hungry
dig beyond news reports
dont be trampled by fear- it can be a small steer, not a stampede
seek understanding
burn, be on fire, radiate- energy of inspiration, challenge, need and hope

where are your thoughts?
why do you run away...
seek and find (continuum) baby
hey maybe
after ramblin down tracks you'll leave the rails
and grab yr pails to build castles
with love lighting candles and stoves cooking
food from the garden, its a vegetable stew
for her, him, me and you

the land, back to the land
looking into the eyes of those we are with
being, seeing, growing, sewing, climbing and rhyming
smiles and cry whiles and silence with shouts
how about
expression
and dismantling obsessions
and truncating depressions
with self awareness and meaningful moments, friends, love
not from a shelf or a store or symmetrical and given on 14 feb
but its a web
we be connected
miraculous and minute and macro and dont mute
yourself
be
and celebrate yourself
and seek yr true name
and the raft is still not the shore and the shore is not the end and the bend takes you to...
the forest where the soil is held in place
but a veces life is a race to keep up
with the red queen, but elusive, she's a fleeing-fiend
world sped up too fast, it rushes, rushed past
and gets hushed up unjustly and vast
people go without voices to sing below their steeple
but their crosses are so high
and Christ, they believed was nigh
but when they took their last sigh
what was their thought
what is your thought

i choke on disparities, comparisons, inadequacies, dreams deferred
long distance loves, rock tumbled blocked channels, words and steps
spoken and silenced- stepped and shyed

looking at him, i smiled
it was you
and the architecture and crosses and blood baths and smoke and need
for love, grace, peace, hope and belief in you and i
formed a smile

a coin for blue eyes and
euros to buys a gift
and a conversation to uplift

the smile

words and steps

zanmi zanmi
be

world weather

its so cold i could
turn into mold
just before i scold
the old wind which
i am determined
does and will switch
this tiempo invierno
to sun and gold

----

* tiempo invierno- winter weather

Tea, Rose, Dulce

I believe I am making thursday my last class day of the week
seriously, fridays were not made for indoor review sessions or for introducing new material...

I currently have "Carmelos de Nata" a delicious caramel candy stuck in my right top molars/teeth. Wow, should be fun to hang on to this for a while, or let it hang on me.

Today was a beautiful day, in terms of seeing new sights: Plaza Mayor and the capacious shops/cafes - sweet energy of Sol, an alive part of Madrid (10 min Metro from where I live). Great conversation with zanmi yo from school- anthopology, sustainable communities, workers rights, labor conditions, historical materialism- Marxism, some socialist insights, talks of las luchas, and society. Let's just say, I am so grateful for these friends y por charlamos. AND, I cannot forget, one great shop- beautiful organic/earthy jewelry and things, the man and woman who ran the store called me "nina"- and were so kind, they gave us a rose, hot tea, and this caramel candy... there were truly beautiful in the way they reached out to us.

Dinners here at Carmen's on C. Manuel are excellent. Tonight, rice with orange-raisin-apple and then salad with pollo.

The thing so far has been: metro, explore, walk, walk, take in, get cafe or cafe con leche, hang, talk,... at least for now while classes aren't too hard and heavy. I do miss folks back homes, yes meaning plural homes-- you know. Spanish is coming along alright but can be intimidating if in a new place. Fortunately, I made friends quickly with a sweet woman, L., and she bartends at a cafe-bar close to the piso/apartment. Taking in sights, yes. Like Plaza de Espana- no pictures yet because I've only gone at night.

All i can say now is, I'm glad I'm here. I'm grateful. I'm seeking to be present here and to meet folks. YES, I have met full time students at the campus, in my Arabic and Ethics classes... So, looks like no traveling this weekend but will hopefully write, find some poetic inspiration--

toda mi amor-

First Day of Class

Wow, so I woke up 30 minutes before class to my host Senora vaccuuming.
Which, was a great thing because I can just barely get to the university in that time, including change clothes and brush teeth etc. So, whatever this seems like small details and perhaps it is but it was my first day of classes in Madrid. In Spain and I forgot my schedule on my desk and forgot gloves-- two blunders because it is freezing here and yeah, I had no idea where my classes were, and even what they were. I was in a whirlwind and even though the campus is small, I still had to take a moment to figure things out.
I found the library, which, if you know me at all- you know that there is some eccentric connection between a library and myself. They don´t have job openings there but there was a table in which I had some time to catch up and write a bit. After I met a beautiful zanmi, Katie, who has been in Madrid studying for a semester already for a bit of coffee. It is great seeing familiar SLU faces and meeting new folks. Which has happened alot and brought me great joy.
After a bit, I met up with a friend from SLU who´s really a Madrid student and went to a bar called The Golden Coc for some lunch-drinks. Yea, I had cafe con leche- no sangria before class quiiite yet. Yea, but I just mean to say that in this moment I´m glad I am here. Ooh, almost sounding sentimental or juevenile but yeah, I think for awhile I was nervous (and not wanting to be) part of a boisterous, borracho ¨American¨ crowd. But I am seeking... real, meaningful experiences, with levity and joy, too...yea. Not that I want to be cliche or repetitive but I am trying to be in the present, to be here, to seek awareness and live.

As for classes, I might drop statistics. I mean... if I can take an Art History class instead? Like... oh, I wouldn´t think twice...but I will have to take it later-
As for Arabic, it is the second level course and I have catching up to do. The prof is GREAT. and I do want to learn Arabic (even though this dialects vary depending on country and this class offers a more general version, but I think it is still worth it). History class tonite and then an Anthro class in 15 minutes. I should buy textbooks soon... ellos son muy caros. Aye yae yae.

Well, writing is major catharsis and I know I´ve written alot. Perhaps miniscule details but it is what it is. With my whole heart, I hope you are well ...

paz y amor

Zanmi RL GORLEY

Viva la Continuum

I believe in energy, light, present moment, impermanence and interbeing

I listen to Nina Simone singing
and my heart begins ringing bells
and my chest swells
with sighs
and peace when i rise
carrying hope and no lies
today i say
breath with awareness
and i may
breathe with life
more deeply
and i may
walk life
climbing steeply
on the mountain that exists and
is meaning
and i, connected to it,
and you, and the woman in blue
will not eschew this present presence
an essence of being
heart ringing
eyes singing
an eternal prayer
of life

Ain't Got No Life-- I Got Life:
Viva Nina Simone

Hola! primera vez!

Buenos-

First blog from Madrid, Spain
Today it is cold, rain-snow...!

SKYPE me: RLGZanmi

Write me: Rebecca L. Gorley
c/o Carmen Bautista Moreno
Calle Manuel No. 7 Bajo C
D.P. 28015 Madrid, ESPANA