It is possible to feel isolation and alienation no matter what country, what year and what piece of technology one can access.
One could say I "should" write. Update this blog. There is something deeper about curiosity and interest and friendship that implores me, are my selected snip-its enough?
This whole time in Madrid I have felt insanely selfish. With time, money, with most all choices. It's taken a step back to a bit of immaturity to realize what maturity means. I'm not referring to drinking, smoking or habits that imply substance use-abuse, not at all. I'm talking about my personality, my character, my perspective, my abilities, capabilities....
One thing I can say for certain: reach out with love
This is not intended to be some big, idealistic message infused with faith nor great expectation. It's just to say, I learn from experience. And when people have reached out to me with love, and when I've reached out with love (absorbed in humility, generosity- those moments have been more memorable).
Love is free. Or, it ought to be.
I want to write more. But I can't. I may not have traveled as much as I had thought. But I have hope that my life will be long and I will be able to travel with close friends and family when the time is right. Please don't ask me How was Paris, because I will not be able to tell you.
I'm sorting out my time here, in a this is ending-I am pensive about this sort of way. I look forward to being able to access any/all books I want. To hugging my mom and dad and brother.
To... walking into the Vine on South grand for the first time in what seems like forever and smiling until I cry from all the joy.
To... moving into a new apartment in the west side and being with the sisters and brothers of the st louis community-
To... biking, walking-jogging more (again), buying locally and fresh (as often as possible)
to having my old school cell phone back with all those damn contacts
Of course, there are a special few whom I will miss with a heart that must be capacious. Yea, I get sentimental here, on a Thursday night, in my room alone. It is weird thought because I am who I am yet, in some ways I know I have Woken Up here. matured, yes. But also, I am very aware of how certain strong colors and pieces of my life I have kept more quiet... I wonder why. Change of setting, environment, responding as best I can...
Jesus Buddha Moses Allah, then I wonder when people will START and STOP asking me what am I Doing with my life. FTS. If you know what that means, fine. If not, forget about it. Seriously. I just can tell you know: I don't know. The world is OPEN OPEN OPEN. And I am a dreamer. And will always have vision, because of my beloved sister friend, Gabrielle in Cap, Haitian.
I will go to Granada as a WWOOFer volunteer on a Sustainable, Organic farm until May 30, when I will (spirits willing) return safely to Madrid and fly to the U.S. and arrive in one piece and AOK in Cincinnati (KY) haha, yes the CVG airport is not in Ohio.
This summer I will live and work in St. Louis, MO. It's going to be a thrill.
Oh yes, and to those who have sent something to me, letters, cookies, cards anything everything something- you are very special, and I especially wish to thank you here.
With love and respect,
ZANMI
