Ocean (rough draft)

Ocean


i feel it like
i am 12, a growing girl
plunging mouth nostrils eyes lungs
open
into the ocean

vrooshh

pushed back by salty volume
strength tested, it had to be summoned

blinking to make sense and to shake off feelings:

i am surrounded engulfed swallowed
and
surfaced
standing if i am able and

not sinking
just thinking


ocean mighty roll
ancient force i extol
as fellow life, as living

as giving me strength
to: face to face nature
together

a nature that rips flesh
that burns skins and pillages, commits sacrilege
fidgeting into textbook chapters with images
reading typed print had the ability to not phase you more than reading comic strips
whatever the rage, all the news fits on the page,

wherever was deconstructed and whenever reconstructed
and whoever price and families have the dice
roled for them, by hands they do not see
for family life together comes at a high price of resistance to joining military violent assistance
enlist and enact yr right as Man as Soldier as Power as Doer as Fighter as Hero as Proud

over seas to Iraq or Rwanda to cure hate and disease
bring mosquito nets in Boeing planes please
bring monsanto seeds, to plant according to neoliberals' needs
kill the womyn in burqas, suspicious, for praying on beads

the peace corps kids kicked out but not yet shipped out
laying in front of bulldozers
taking photos until shes pulled over
by U.S. backed coup, can you
NAME all the countries the U.S. has smacked, attacked, shut down and chewed up
threw up
land, heart, farmers hand, business stand, locally owned, state operated

los niños plans for school and art and Managua didn't fart in '79 it
passed gas and revolutionary atmosphere overturned oppression at last
until the U.S. said: we must blast this communist regime
Done behind closed doors with tables of water from ravines of..., with hands holding mugs of coffee from bean trees, picked by... Communists ?,
de repente! (now, suddenly) we must make lists of the resisters
oh, but then where would the coffee beans be?
and the coca cola sugar, let's see, we have to do something about this turmoil, commmunist commotion, someone call the media, we'll write on wikipedia and enter the ear canals speedy,
uh- but, i forgot about the but, butts getting bigger off money made from gun triggers
violence, voices muted by masked men who served Silence


I am asking: where is the defiance
the Non Violence
Martin, Mahatma, Mother Teresa, bring a smile, bend the arc to justice please before we look at the sun and sneeze and burn up into dust and float as friable particles
it was written: Rib to Eve and Dust to Dust
but if yr rusty shake yrself off. if your blood your not Dust yet
so tune in to the truth of the uncouth looters who took the the drink from the holy grail and called their avail goal worthy
the Rich Roly Poly and the Holy Moses Moly and bad history and bad theology and corrupt technology
from Nevada parents press a button and a bomb explodes in Iraq,

how would you look at your children picking them up from school, day after bomb after day

back to the secret meetings where the men had greetings with laughter
about vacations, resorts, pools, prices and how their roll of the dices creeped up like vices but it wasnt their family who suffered splices so, onward, forward, Glory to all the Three Hundred, drums talking and hawks bawking in the background
here behind closed door, silence on the floor, notebooks opened with U.S. emblems, In God we trust more and more, nationalism mixed with religion, sure-- just be sure to salt the rim before

imbibing

but really who is deciding?
who really needed to believe in God when thats who they were playing


but with a black magic mystic twist, like economic wizzes they wuz, wizzing a witchy buzz
mixing up tricks and fixing countries
bolting down democracy with capitalism which bought handguns to enforce solutions
shot by School of America's finest Salvadorans, Nicaraguans, on and ons

at this point we forget these hands were small, holding mothers in one bedrooms, clenching fists for food
now nourished by hate to chew on for daily bread ?!
AK 47, slam and solved
ramming structural adjustment programs
NAFTA CAFTA rain down like its natural, seasonal, praise worthy, note worthy for Sachs, Chicago School, Friedman, White man, USD man, just trying to make it man, part time job man
still, ramming structural adjustment programs
into the flesh of the lambs
so when served when sacrificed
they bled true new national colors

man, we all could taste them from
mangoes, cocoes, those coffee beans, more Chiquita bananas please!

structurally adjusted programs: increase debt via interest fees, cancel export fees, add on import fees, and signing documents that: YES, this country will cut all of its trees so the soil will spill when clouds fill with heat and the rain starts to beat
down
down
washing away town town,
peoples lives upside down

sound familiar? think Katrina. think reconstruction. think dysfunction.

its all a round about way of saying: streams of democracy do not always go because there is not always wind rain and heat to blow

people standin in the ocean to show
natural forces fierce as rashes, will destroy with all these clashes,
come together before this sphere smashers, collapses...

So when the winds down and the streams aren't rollin and the trees are holdin the ground down so the community group gathers and dialogues sustainable growth in Bois de Lance, Haiti
the streams of democracy blowing freedom and power to the individual lay to rest and are tested by a force stronger and deeper and longer
of community culture of sharing food, wisdom, heartache and raining down their own changes blowing free the sick oppression out of their lungs

stand, face the force and life rearranges

stop.

have you,
even thought through
the life your living

when you step out the door, lock it up and count the minutes left until.. arrival

you for your own survival

buying into the game
you played because you were raised to perpetuate the haze, money maze, make more USD daze
save it spend it. double it. stay out of trouble with it.
or they'll catch you with it

i still am scratchin my head, they caught Pinochet yet?
they net those 8 Russian oligarches yet?
how about Papa and Baby Doc- the Duvaliers, dead, escaped from debt...
the IMF
the WORLD BANK
cant even imagine how big them think tanks be
where, who knows until it all blows up, but until then.. shut up

world bank, think tank, hows this world spinnin its so rank it stank to high heaven
but we keep gettin leaven bread so we can survive another seven
seven days of another seven hoarding, hateful haze, chaos craze, world spittin up, chewin up, shootin up, beatin down, takin down, dismantling down
Economies
Philosophies
Priorities
Histories
Monopolies
Theologies
Aristocracies

in the name of God we trust Democracy

so, buck up, pick pluck the mop and soak up suck up all the shit thats been mucked up and raped down to raw bare minimum
zero
sum
game

who does the prize fame go to now?

the family whose got no more hope-prosperity, no land no home, all sold, with the union folded
so gone can't even catch a glimpse of the disparity?
mama's nursin, in her brothers house, sleepin in one bedroom, are we proud
enough to sing out national anthem aloud
wrap ourselves in holy shroud or
is it time to Shout
loud enough, far and strong to summon
Buddhist bells
mantras sutras Dharma gongs
a catalyst for Soul songs to the tune of soon freedom marches: injustice walks, crippling stalks, empty belly talks to the mind that unwinds it all to the heart: Act Smart. Do Your Part. Don't be dust, you must Stand for Peace and not fall to your knees.

They are ready and waiting, sipping Coca Cola and Starbucks in the closed door room, making economic movements, some key players have been: Pinochet, Chicago boys, Putin, Bushes, Duvaliers, the proud handshakes
signifying: take the Brakes Off!
Concurrently signaling on: DEREGULATION

$$ FINANCIALIZATION $$

Individual, you matter. you are free! invest in USD
sweat, toil in privately owned soil. (this is)
back breaking 21st century bondage

the market magic as a wand, over time, tick tock, look at stock
as it sits in pits of poverty
people,
going to bed hungry, dropping out of school hungry,
30,000 dying today

excuse me, what?

stop. what about all that US Aid??
the rice, peanut butter, my clothes donated to good will that ended up alongside old VCR players, tvs too
sent to... "3rd world country..." "underdeveloped nations"
because it is mainly poor, generally speaking, "CIA world fact book" wreaking

(do you ask why, how, when, where) - do you dare?

what is yr sense of Africa?
a continent robbed of riches, robbed of resources: gold, silver, diamonds, trees, people,
kingdoms, land, family hopes and plans

pushed into one bedroom, life rearranged, now, like castles in the sand
homes and hopes blown over (in God we trust, His hands?)

i clench my teeth tight and let them go with long breath
looking out on a mighty ancient beast of burden
of power and yearnin for the intensity to receive, to explore
which has evolved: to exploit to extort, rob, judge, lie, condemn and convert
and write the hurt with lies in text books brilliantly through the victors eyes

bloody beast and thanksgiving feast are not painted in the same frame

eh, but some would say it's all a game
like Life
like Monopoly
its ok to topple and force out

like out in St. Louis North City: eminent domain ain't pretty (McKee)
this robbery is rubbery slime stank and rank f you thank its gonna bob a mob of jobs

im thinking
the ocean is winking at me:
snickering slyly- "i didn't tell you so but you figured out domination would grow if you didnt know its force on you, how it would coerce you to your knees
mouth full, red eyes begging please... please
relief
and indeed

by standing you can demand Life again

and i think

what is there to say to
shoulders too sore to implore
another minute of sitting facing the screen
talking into the microphone ring of
holes somehow
carrying my voice over an ocean
and another receiving clearly
words of wisdom love and mother i miss you too
dad you are the best i could have
and small things too heavy to push alone
that become bigger with
time and distance
that you cannot swallow without breathing first

and it is a long outward sigh
a last farewell hug good bye
sitting on the plane without sunglasses and tear streams like quilt seams
this is not 7th grade xanga this is life when its not a sweet mango
its get up and go
and come home alone and look for another roommate
and set the alarm and lock komputer
and call companion and call Sass and leave messages in milwaukee and sanfran
and remember to call Mel tomorrow and write one hour tomorrow
and register tomorrow and meditate and
remember the strength is inside today and tomorrow
and if i just go to alameda for maffe, he'll meet me at the station
and we can tent and i can feel safe
and i am a woman and female and
wondering will Non Violence and Peace really exude in That moment of Crisis
... i've been told if i think it will happen it will
so i am aware of what has happened on the streets
and i think: awareness and all those things ive said before
and i think: barke sarigne falu (barkay sareen fa-loo) ~ security mantra
and i think: who can i have dinner with tomorrow, i want to call... but they will probably be busy

thinking about physical strength, emotional strength
those terms: peace, justice, respect, calm, trust, honor
"best when put into practice" live it rock it roll it feel it know it sew it grow it

schweya schweya.

and, thank you for believing peace-strength is within me

June Bugs

June bugs don't crawl
I have seen fire flies and thats all

Back in Cincy back in StL
these words mean little at all
if you have not moved all of yr things in a van
or 2 suitcases every 4 months 4 the past going on 4 years

I am not trying to be exclusive I am just trying to get out the words
that like wet clothes in sun are finally
drying
and those drips and drops are what
rise to clouds and pour down again once enough of them and enough heat moistens them to
rain gem drop rain

It could be more science to, im not in meterology you know.

Concrete things:
it is raining on pavement and lighting as if paid to illuminate the sky
i live around and amongst life long peace makers and biking is transporation
unless Jenn Lay comes around in her Green Giant and picks up 1, 3, or up to ... amount of people, that car is the steeple guiding beacon for community to creeple on in.

I'm doing sit ups and biking like I said, 21 a day for how old I am. We'll see how long this lasts. The plan is that when I'm 95 I'll be doing 95 sit ups a day. And the minimum is 21 (this year) and however more I do daily is just, icing on the cake, or something like that.

I'm reading as much as I can: books borrowed, new books from Pius library (finally back and working) (but still looking for more-supplemental work). Hoping to get into an online Psychology class at a local community college. And just be true to myself.
Understand who I am, try and be intentional... and connect. Those words that I value: respect, love, joy, trust, honor, peace- living those out. And not when I feel like it, but in a more sustainable and honest way.

For now, this is it. One addendum: I'm sorry if I forgot or missed your birthday, I have realized I am as good as melted butter in terms of capability to be sturdy-sound mind and not unwind your birthday dates from my brain. Know that I love you and I wish you a Very Happy Birthday.

Write or visit anytime:
R.L. Gorley
4547 Gibson Ave
St. Louis, MO 63103

and post/send any book-music recommendations puh-leez!


love and peace

My Oh May

It is possible to feel isolation and alienation no matter what country, what year and what piece of technology one can access.

One could say I "should" write. Update this blog. There is something deeper about curiosity and interest and friendship that implores me, are my selected snip-its enough?

This whole time in Madrid I have felt insanely selfish. With time, money, with most all choices. It's taken a step back to a bit of immaturity to realize what maturity means. I'm not referring to drinking, smoking or habits that imply substance use-abuse, not at all. I'm talking about my personality, my character, my perspective, my abilities, capabilities....

One thing I can say for certain: reach out with love

This is not intended to be some big, idealistic message infused with faith nor great expectation. It's just to say, I learn from experience. And when people have reached out to me with love, and when I've reached out with love (absorbed in humility, generosity- those moments have been more memorable).

Love is free. Or, it ought to be.

I want to write more. But I can't. I may not have traveled as much as I had thought. But I have hope that my life will be long and I will be able to travel with close friends and family when the time is right. Please don't ask me How was Paris, because I will not be able to tell you.

I'm sorting out my time here, in a this is ending-I am pensive about this sort of way. I look forward to being able to access any/all books I want. To hugging my mom and dad and brother.
To... walking into the Vine on South grand for the first time in what seems like forever and smiling until I cry from all the joy.
To... moving into a new apartment in the west side and being with the sisters and brothers of the st louis community-
To... biking, walking-jogging more (again), buying locally and fresh (as often as possible)
to having my old school cell phone back with all those damn contacts

Of course, there are a special few whom I will miss with a heart that must be capacious. Yea, I get sentimental here, on a Thursday night, in my room alone. It is weird thought because I am who I am yet, in some ways I know I have Woken Up here. matured, yes. But also, I am very aware of how certain strong colors and pieces of my life I have kept more quiet... I wonder why. Change of setting, environment, responding as best I can...

Jesus Buddha Moses Allah, then I wonder when people will START and STOP asking me what am I Doing with my life. FTS. If you know what that means, fine. If not, forget about it. Seriously. I just can tell you know: I don't know. The world is OPEN OPEN OPEN. And I am a dreamer. And will always have vision, because of my beloved sister friend, Gabrielle in Cap, Haitian.


I will go to Granada as a WWOOFer volunteer on a Sustainable, Organic farm until May 30, when I will (spirits willing) return safely to Madrid and fly to the U.S. and arrive in one piece and AOK in Cincinnati (KY) haha, yes the CVG airport is not in Ohio.
This summer I will live and work in St. Louis, MO. It's going to be a thrill.

Oh yes, and to those who have sent something to me, letters, cookies, cards anything everything something- you are very special, and I especially wish to thank you here.


With love and respect,

ZANMI

Multitudes

I am learning to make decisions. To look for flights to ascertain and formulate a travel agenda for the latter half of May when i may do what i may. In Europe or wherever the money can reach to and my feet can step to.

I want to write, to gush details, sights, smells... and I thought, with this blog I could. But as days go by, I don't even open my notebook with the frequency I'd grown accustomed to. Sometimes I feel as if I'm floating here. Living it, but knowing how temporary it is. I question: who am I? am i myself?

This weekend has been "bloggable" as one of my dear roommates would say. Saturday night my 2 roomates (Mel and Em) as well as our Senora, Carmen, whom we are growing closer to every day... went to a fantastic Flamenco show: Carmen. Em's mom was in town for the weekend and purchased tickets for our group "familia" to go. If you have a moment, google: Sara Baras or Carmen. Flamenco with passion! is all i may exclaim.

Another weekend in Madrid, I wish I had traveled somewhere- but feel antsy and the need to get out next weekend. I've decided that having ideas, vision, hope, dreams, desires is essential in life.

Sometimes I can't believe that I'm here, or that this is real. Like surreal time or something like that. I know, I know, I know or at least, I believe, that when I'm back in Cincy or the StL that I will think, wow, did I really live it? Was I there?
So far, I think I can give an 85% yes. I've walked alot in and of Madrid's streets. Gone out all night, been to local restaurants, cafes, bars, enjoyed delicious food, learned mucho Espanol (confidence and ability in speaking has increased 10 fold). So, yeah. Poco a poco.


I gotta look up flights, finally make some decisions, plan, etc. I am OK. I love you. I miss you. Let's party and celebrate next time we see eachother. It has been too long.


With love and peace

RLG Zanmi

Who Am I?

Who Am I:

- bad email responder, not great long distance corresponder
- a candy lover (go to a Alimentacion/Chino/Frutos Secos - a convenient mart) and buy gummy candies (5 centimos each, i get the spicy red peppers, yes i'm hooked on dem)
- planning travel (for May, after final exams i have free time to as cheap as possible flit around europa)
- not a daily writer, and ashamed
- more avid walker
- every now and then a fotog
- thinker, feeler, meditator, luchadora
- planning and considering options, remembering dreams, doing my best not to lay them down like a sack of give away clothes, but rather as something real i dress myself with everyday, something i feel on my skin and inside am kept warm and alive by
- a reader, an observer, a joker, ....
- proud and humble, running and then the usual stumble
- email checker, message hoper, but still not best writing woper (made that up, a woper is someone who replies in a whoa! short amount of time)
- healthy, hopeful
- a sewer! today i sewed two patches on a pair of jeans i got from my roommate, Mel- yea, it took a little bit, but i had the spirits of my mom, and my aunt Sharon and aunt Minnie with me, i know it
- witty, eclectic, non makeup
- one who doesn't hold anything in my hands when i walk places
- now, a person who puts safety pins on the book bag zippers to prevent (help to) prevent theft
- learning French, a little Wolof, speaking-writing-reading Arabic, speaking Spanish, and English on occasion
- feeling guilt about things i can- and cannot control
- debating: StL or Cincy this summer
- buying stamps, dressing in spring colors
- forgetting it is/was Easter
- remembering the Vine, argili... R and A, and all those wednesdays
- open, and growing in something, anything, nothing and everything
- traveler to Bilbao (city explorer, in rain, shine, wind and all on foot)
- patient and then so not
- Whitman "I contain multitudes"
- one who needs respect, attention, love, grace, forgiveness, connection - to living creations, art, music, freedom, liberation, notebook, pen, mind, heart, spirit, feet, health, companionship, trust, peace, joy, hope, and vision


may you be as you are
knowing you are never far
always residing in the lark chirping corner of my heart

peace be in you

Zanmi RLGorley

write because pen is pulse, heres something about a sun and human impulse

blazing at the end of a soy bean field
a burning sun scorches hope of further sleep
dark ignorance can no longer creep
behind nor below clouds that run
from the destruction done
without
love light
that no harvest moon could delight despite its duty
to be bright and fight fright

blazing at the end of a soy bean field
another day, now belongs to you
to your renewed heart and recreated marrow
as morning fog clears, it lifts like wings of the sparrow
we fly because we knew we could do more than walk on land
we believe we reach we burn we rise we understand
if we do not hope and trust and receive and give
than life is not living, tis us existing,
so, why, when knowing width, depth and heigth
are we still resisting
the sun burning sun rise?